The mind of Eating disorder

Well, I have spoken about my struggle with eating disorder before. I had begun the Weight Watchers program in a round about way to help me learn proper portions, but it hasn't helped! I have limited myself to fewer foods now, due to points. I don't want anyone to think that this program is terrible. They tell you not to join if you have eating disorders and I didn't really join. I just heard and learned the points system from close associates. Anyway, it has made some things worse and it did help in others. As for the mind game of what to eat, how much to eat and when it's okay to eat, it's getting harder and easier too. I had a really bad week two weeks ago and I had a hard time shaking it! But I am doing better now. Here is what goes on in my mind... I feel much better when I don't eat breakfast and that usually ends up not eating lunch either. And I have to exercise every day. I do try to give myself two days off of exercising. I do for sure take one... Sunday. But I seem to feel like I need to exercise every other day. When I don't, I feel fat, and don't want to do anything but not eat and exercise and soon enough I am depressed and in a rotten mood and everything seems to be going wrong. If I eat anything sweet... or dessert type foods, I not only feel fat but I can see myself fatter too. I do not see myself as others do. I see and feel the fat hanging over my pants and filling out the legs in them. And flapping as I wave hello or goodbye. I see a face that is round and a me that I don't like and don't want to be. I don't always feel this way, but on bad days and weeks that is what I see. What happens is I have a period when I lose and feel amazing, then a period when I gain a little back and I feel awefull! Like at Christmas time and the beginning of the year when my family got sick and I did. I lost weight and felt amazing! I had also been doing swim aerobics with my mom and was super busy with holidays. I have an image of what I want to look like and parts of me have gotten there, but I have never gotten there completely. I have had times when I feel good about how I look and feel great too. This is how it works in my mind... I loose, feel great, and it's not enough. I want to loose more. And it's not always about the number. It's about how the pants fit, how I feel and being long lean, tone. It's all a mind game. And though I know it is, it's super hard to get past, to work through. It's an aweful rollercoaster that my dear sweet Jonathan deals with and tries to help me work through each day! And having my children helps me to never get so bad that I am hospitalized. Though it is a fear for both Jon and I, I have never gotten that bad, and don't plan on it. As of now, I try to tell myself that I can eat, and that it's okay and that I'm not fat. Some days I can convince myself and other's it's a joke. Well, so far, that's all that I can remember has gone through my mind. Welcome to the mind of eating disorder.